Well hello there.
Oh lupa. Assalamuaalaikum ya habibi.
Freedom is now mine again. Yes. I am holding onto it tight. No. I will not let it go.
The thing about Freedom is he is too kind (because using female personal pronouns is too controversial). He is pampering me too much. Especially when the I get MCs. Oh my...those 8 days are the most fattening day I ever had in my whole life, without any exaggeration..maybe a little.
When I opened up my eyes for another view of life, all I see is "FREE TIME!!" all over me. Ahh..this sweet life I am enjoying right now is too good to be true, I am probably typing this post in my dream..right? (slowly losing logic senses)
However, dear ladies, gentlemen and lamen (hahaha get it? lemon? no? well, at least I tried) scarily, free time also means more thinking time.
and frighteningly, more thinking time also means more future construction.
I am fucking scare of my future I tell yah that. And yes, I am using the 'f' bomb to indicate how serious I am in this matter. VERY FUCKING SERIOUS.
Others might have planned to become doctors, businessmen, teachers and whatnot. I am here is like,
"Humm...which book should I read next?"
The actual BIG question here is,
What am I going to do after this?
Degree?
Okay degree. Nothing else lah kan. Degree. In which course?
Maybe law?
No you stupid assholes. No law. You can not even memorize Animalia Kingdom for godsake and you dare to even consider law. Perasan bagus.
Then what? WHAT?!
STOP SCREAMING I DONT FUCKING KNOW SYAHIRAH AMIRAH!
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how scary am I to you now that I actually speak to myself in blog, so publicly. :3
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so...it usually end up with me falling asleep in frustration and self-loath. Reading is the only thing that will make it go away. That is why I feel better engulfing myself in my room. Because I am scared of my bleak future. And outside world will only mirror it even more vividly.
When I see mothers carrying their children in mall, looking all stressed and worked up, I will end up thinking to myself, if she spend her time studying harder, earned herself a better title in workplace, she probably could afford a nanny. Either that or I will think of Luck and Rezeki and such.
And what if the mother I saw is going to be me in another few years? I will never let it happen! Ever! I will only let my descendant live at least with good educations and comfortable house to live in. And to be able to do that, I have to have a secure future, if not secure, at least I should know what I want in my future. Which I do not have and unsure of.
I am very uncertain of what I am becoming in my future. I cannot see myself as lawyer, businesswomen, politician and not even a teacher or lecturer. I am not only putting myself in dark future, but also my family and friends.And that what scared me the most. Damn.
Plain damn.
